Why I Wear a Bow Tie

Joe all ready to perform a marriage ceremony.  

The Supreme Court recently declined to hear protests against the overturning of several same-sex marriage bans, instantly legalizing same-sex marriage in enough places that over half the US population could be guests at a same-sex marriage in their home states.  Well, Miss Janet was into marrying those couples long before it was popular everywhere.

I started at the Marriage Factory at her behest the day same-sex marriage was legalized in California - in 2008.  My first wedding joined a pair of women.  Proposition 8 was heavy blow to me.  I took it very personally, despite being in no way personally affected.  The wait for that same court's Prop 8 & DOMA rulings last year was long.

While waiting for all that hash to get settled, Jesse Tyler Ferguson of Modern Family started a website called Tie the Knot (tietheknot.org) that offers stylish bow ties through The Tie Bar (thetiebar.com), with most of the proceeds going to marriage equality organizations.

I dress rather formally when I go to the Marriage Factory.  If I dressed the way I do to go to work, couples would be getting married by a guy in a polo shirt & jeans - hardly "most important day"-worthy.  My wife thought I'd look good sporting one of the aforementioned bow ties, and bought one for me last year, before the court's decision.  I wore it the first day I married same-sex couples, and for weeks after.  After a while, I surrendered to routine and stopped wearing the tie.  It's hard to tie one well, and not every shirt looks good with a bow tie.

Earlier this month, she bought me the George Takei tie (http://www.thetiebar.com/product/BT044). George is not only Lieutenant Sulu, he is a gay rights icon.  I think it looks more like Eddie Van Halen's guitar from the "Jump" video (http://nyoobserver.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/evh_van_halen.jpg) than anything to do with Star Trek, but I wear it with pride.  Pride in a job well done.

Joe standing by for the next couple to marry.

--
Joe Mallon
j

Monday at the Marriage Factory

Monday was slow, really slow.  There were a couple of Spanish ceremonies and I did a couple of ceremonies.  We are afraid everyone is waiting for Valentine's Day, also a Friday and the start of a three day weekend.  Heaven help us.

One ceremony was almost boring.  The couple had little interest in the ceremony.  It was if they just wanted it over.  Before I could tell them they had time to take pictures while I got their certified copy, they were ready to walk out. 

The other wedding had more interplay.  It was a fairly large group of people.  I asked the magic question, "Is everybody here?"  The answer was no.  One of the grooms had not arrived yet.  They had bought the license last week.  On Monday Groom #1 had paid for the ceremony and given the information about the witnesses.  All that without telling the clerk groom #2 hadn't arrived yet. 

Finally we have two grooms and have the ceremony.  The grooms were very emotional and everyone was in tears. Lots of pictures were taken during the ceremony and after.  During the picture taking the license was signed by the witnesses and by me.  I told the group they had 2 more minutes for pictures while I finish up the legalities, and they must exit the room when I return. 

I gave the certified copy to the couple and asked everyone to gather their things and we would go downstairs.  (The lobby is filling up, I could have another license on my desk)  They told me to go ahead, they wanted to take more pictures.  They would stay upstairs for awhile. 

Just so you know, that did not happened.  I hurried their hineys out the door. 

Weddings, we have weddings

I had several weddings Monday morning.  Some stand out, some were a blur.

My first couple were two men. They were dressed in shades of blue.  Their ties were of the same material, one bow tie one regular tie.  They were so thrilled and overwhelmed at being allowed to marry.  We had tears and laughter.  When they  asked me to stand between them for pictures I could feel one groom's heart pounding.  He was very emotional.

The next couple were interesting.  The groom was changing clothes and took forever.  While we waited I talked to the bride.  She was originally from Green County, Kentucky. She talked about helping to set tobacco when only 7 years old. Then as she watched her brother cut tobacco she dreaded being old enough to do such hard labor.   It was nice talking to someone whose accent was thicker than mine.  I wish her luck with this marriage.  She is 33 years old has an 18 year od son and this is her fourth marriage.

Another couple also had Kentucky ties.  It was like old home week.  The groom's father was from Owensboro, Kentucky and the witness was from Lexington, Kentucky.  We all agreed the weather is so much better in the Bay Area.  We also like earthquakes better than tornadoes. 

I had two same sex couples who were witnessing for each other.  They were friends, the women from Colorado and the men from The Bay Area.  They were all older in their fifties and sixties.  And so much fun.  The men were terrible flirts and I loved it.  Safe flirting is always fun.  They declared me hot and wanted to take me home.  That perked up my day.

Now for the wedding that was the talk of the day.  Clerks kept coming to my desk and telling me about the bride.  They were all horrified.  I thought they have to be over reacting.  NOPE, she was something.  She almost had on bright blue hot pants.  I have underpants that cover more than her hot pants.  Camel toe in the front and butt cheeks hanging out.  Her socks were blue and white "Where's Waldo socks" that were above the knees.  She had on a headband that was a giant gold bow with sequins on it. She finished the look with a Tee Shirt and a heavy multicolored cardigan.   And the bride made sure all could enjoy her body.  She sat on the bench with her legs pulled to her chest.  Butt cheeks everywhere.

Last Monday's Weddings

I just realized I never posted about the weddings last week.  Sorry about that.  It was a slow day, which I sort of liked.  With the weddings spaced out, I didn't get so tired.

There were some good looking clothes on the men and the women:
One bride wore a cream colored crocheted sheath with little cap sleeves.  It was very simple yet elegant at the same time.  The dress had rows of design that were about 4 inches tall.  Each row met up perfectly at every seam. That dress cost big bucks.

Another bride wore a sleeveless sheath dress that was heavy brocade with a black trim at the hemline and black mesh from the top of the bust to her neck.  The brocade design was tiny silver and gold squares.   Her groom wore a blue shirt and tie with a grey vest and grey slacks. He wore grey lizard pointy toe shoes.  They were stunning.

One couple each wore black slacks  and white shirts.  At first I thought very casual, and then I looked again.  She wore a black shrug over her shirt.  When she turned the back was lace.  His plain white shirt had a surprise too.  The buttons down the front, on the cuffs, and on the pockets had tiny tiny brilliants around the edge.  Not gaudy, you had to look twice to realize they were there.

My favorite wedding of the day was for two men.  This was a destination wedding.  They were from Florida and had wanted to be married in San Francisco City Hall.  Now that is a fabulous venue, but it  is almost impossible to get an appointment.  There is often a 6 weeks waiting period or more, and then you wait a month or more to get your certified copy of the license.  They called all over the Bay Area and studied options on the Internet.  They picked us for the services we offer.

When they saw our lovely wedding room they were blown away.  It is a pretty room.

Double Wedding Ring quilt pattern art

 Rich wood paneling and pews

 

The men asked if they could use their own vows, and I of course said yes.  One man's vows were very sweet and personal.  But the other man had me in tears.  He said he couldn't sing, but he had written a song.  Then he sang it and the words were so loving.  These men were so amazed at how nice, how caring, how special people at Alameda County made their wedding.  They hugged me over and over before they left.  They kept thanking me for giving them such a wonderful wedding.

 

I am proud of our clerks for their caring and kindness to our two grooms.  I'm so glad we all made a special day for a couple who could not marry in their home state.  And I  am so glad that in doing this special wedding, we did our routine jobs.  We care about all who want a special wedding.

Joe talks fashion

Joe is getting really good at the fashion report.  

Another busy day at the factory.  In my last post, I advocated
legalizing same-sex marriage for the tourist windfall.  There's
another reason: male same-sex couples have good-looking weddings, no
matter their age.  The older couple I married early in the day had
found the same monogrammed shirt in different sizes, and were wearing
the same colored trousers and shoes, topped off with matching
boutonnieres.  Casual, but stylish.

I had to wait until my shift was almost over for the best-dressed
wedding.  The entire party were in black and white.  Two men and a
bunch of female guests, all in clever variations on the same theme.
It was clear that a guiding intelligence had put the party together.
One of the women wore a white lace dress.  I thought she was the bride
until the gentlemen in vests, one with a standard tie and one a bow
tie, stepped forward.  While the ceremony was nice, the fashion show
was better.

There was competition: a lovely purple wrap dress, a knee-length white
brocade, and a full-length standard bridal gown.  The latter was in my
last wedding of the day, which was also the largest.  The wedding room
was full, all the benches packed.  The crowd urged the bride and groom
through their vows, and when they were pronounced husband and wife,
the place erupted.  I hope their marriage is as happy as their guests
were.

--

Part 2 from Joe

How It Started

My wife is in Janet's book club.  Their meetings are grouped in sessions, and each session ends with a potluck supper.  I show up for the potluck because Janet usually makes something delicious involving meat.

During the potluck right after the state of California first legalized same-sex marriage, Janet bemoaned the shortage of marriage commissioners to handle the tidal wave of couples newly free to marry, and asked if anyone in the club wanted to join her at the Hall of Records.

I did some acting in college, so I have no problem standing in front of people and talking.  My wife and I had been married almost 8 years at that point, and things were (and still are) working out well, so I was (and still am) a big fan of marriage.  I had (and still have) gay friends, and the thought of them being denied a basic right was ridiculous.  Those seemed like good enough reasons to volunteer.

Anyone who's read this blog probably knows what happened next.  All the new folks and the pros gathered, oaths were sworn, vows were hastily copied and distributed.  The terror of ruining someone's perfect day gradually gave way to the contagious joy radiating from enfranchised people.  I got better at gathering groups onto elevators.  I massaged here and poked there and finally constructed the ceremony that said what I wanted to say about marriage: its obligations and its rewards.  I set to joining folks in matrimony.

Once the initial surge calmed down, a lot of the volunteers drifted away.  I liked the routine and the people, both staff and couples, and my boss was kind enough to bend my work schedule to keep Friday mornings free, so I stayed.  That was more than 5 years ago.

Joe, ready for the next couple.

Next post, Why Joe Marries Couples

They came from all over.

Monday I married three same sex couples from out of state. They came from Las Vegas, Nevada; Decatur, Georgia, and from Honolulu, Hawaii.   They had come all the way to Oakland, California to marry, knowing it would not be recognized in their home states.  There were two men from Oakland who had been together for 41 years.  They met as teenagers and finally were able to marry. I told them they were lucky they lived in California and would be recognized as a married couple.

I had a Bride from Ukraine and her groom was from Pennsylvania. Her Groom and the Best Man were wearing traditional shirts from Ukraine.  Her toddler nephew also wore a traditional shirt.  The Bride's dress was a white spaghetti strap sheath that had the same embroidery as the shirts on the bust and on the belt.  During the ceremony the toddler decided he needed to stand with his Mom, the Matron of Honor.  We all were grinning because he was so cute and doing cute toddler things.  Suddenly he spotted the Bride's yellow heels.  He got down on the floor and tried to pull them off her feet.  That is when everyone in the room including me lost it.  We laughed until we cried.  Mom picked him up and we finished the ceremony.

The Hawaiian couple and their guests were in Hawaiian shirts or brightly colored dresses.  Everyone wore beautiful wonderful smelling leis.  A little girl who was 3 years old had made a poster for them and we all signed it.  She showed me the hearts she had drawn and colored and then told me, " Mommy wrote the words."  I told them as we went back down stairs they were the best smelling group I  had ever had and that I would miss the flowers.  One of the woman leaned over and placed her lei around my neck and kissed me and thanked me for the beautiful ceremony.

Isn't this lei lovely?  I wore it as I did some more weddings.  When Marty picked me up he took me to lunch and I wore it then.  The lei would only last a day or so and I wanted to enjoy it as long as I could.

WOW! Friday at the Marriage Factory

Joe our guest blogger is out of the country most of August.  I am working his Friday morning shift at the Marriage Factory.  Friday the busiest day of the week.  Wednesday has become a no business day.  So I really enjoyed the fast pace yesterday.  There is one down side to the fast pace.  There is no time to make many notes on fashion, quirks, errors, etc. 

Clerk A mainly does Spanish ceremonies when I am there.  But we had a plan, she did Spanish and English.  I did English. We have a lot more English ceremonies. This cut down on wait time for couples.  We were using two rooms which meant we were doing roughly 2 weddings every 15 minutes.  The whole morning we had 5 licenses waiting every time we came back to our desks.  The clerks out front were swamped with couples buying licenses and couples.  Clerk A and I never felt we were far behind.  If  3 or more clerks are processing licenses, 2 commissioners will be somewhat behind them.

Things got a little testy when some clerks kept telling us couples had been waiting for an hour and were unhappy. When a couple of clerks started circling check in times on the receipts, we were ticked.  We are working our tails off, being gracious, making sure each couple feels this is a great experience and clerks are bitching at us to hurry up.  Don't tick off the volunteer.  Do the math, 3 or more licenses every 10 minutes, 15 minute ceremonies, 2 commissioners. We do not do appointments, it is first come first serve, that means you have to wait. 

Now for one happy story.  My first ceremony the couple was two charming men. They were in their early 80's.  Very dapper, beautiful suits with pocket hankies. The shine on their shoes would blind you.  They were very emotional during the ceremony.  These men had been together 52 years and still adored each other.  Their friends did not look dapper, well one did.  Two were young and over the top with sparkly phones and shoes.  Everyone in the room was happy, fun, and having a great day.

52 years is a wonderful statement for love.  How honored I was to do the wedding ceremony for these two men.