Monday, February 1, 2010


As I was walking from the garage to the county building, I met a clerk on her lunch break. She told me that the morning had been one wedding after another. She said they need you in there.

Well, not many were left to marry. I only performed three ceremonies. Each interesting in their own way.

The first was a cross between a green card wedding and a love match. Neither was clearly defined. He was from India, 10 years younger than she was. His English was poor. And he had trouble saying the vows. I shortened them up immediately. They were affectionate, but not like love, more good friends.

Wedding two was a love match. He had on a gorgeous white on white shirt with a white and purple striped tie. She had on a lovely purple jersey dress and black heels. Even her purse's lining was purple. Guess what color silk jacket I had on, purple. They were sweet and very organized, rings, camera, witnesses. And then we walked into the wedding room, the bride began crying and could not stop. She was so overcome with emotion, she just lost it. No sobs, just constant tears. She was wiping her eyes with a huge napkin sized hanky. It had "Sorry I can't be there with you." written in marker on it. I gave them some tissues. All through the wedding the groom wiped her eyes. It was very sweet and tender.

And then we come to wedding three. Joe, you are so right. I do attract the weirdos. I saw the couple and their witnesses at the clerk's desk. The witnesses were standing behind the couple French kissing and groping and grinding each other. Lovely. The wedding couple were fighting at the desk. He didn't know his parents' birth place and was going to call his mother. The bride told him, "Don't you call her. I hate her." Clerk V told them they might not want to have this discussion at her desk. And then they signed the license.

He signed fine. She signed her name with little hearts. V nearly died. She told the bride the state would not accept the license with hearts on the signature line. The groom fusses at the bride about always drawing hearts on her signature. This becomes a fight. V reprints, and they sign again. This time the bride traces her name so it is all double lines, just like we did in grade school. V sends them off. As they got up. the bride's slacks had fallen down to the crack level. The groom reached over and pulled them up, as if he had done this many times before.

V reprints, and asked me to get a correct signature. I went out to them and told them we had to re sign. I looked at the bride and told her no hearts, no tracing her name. She looked at me and said, "I don't like my name, I just want to put hearts down." I asked her if she wanted to get married. And if so she would sign it the way the state wanted it. It not, no license. She huffed and argued, and then signed. Are we done, no.

The witnesses are all over each other, they are all but doing it in the lobby. We get on the elevator. Both couples are going at it. Thank goodness it is only to the second floor. I looked at the ceiling. During the ceremony the couple stood far apart. The groom rocked back and forth and made hand signals and pouty lips to her. She responded the same way. Finally it is over.
The wedding kiss was a "get a room" kiss. I was thrilled to be done with them.

Trash is trash. I felt like I needed a shower.

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